Before becoming a mom, I was the best aunt in the whole world to six amazing kids (I still am, don’t come challenging me for this title). Two nieces and four nephews. We are all on first name basis with the exception of my youngest niece, Mohau, who refers to me as Aunty Fifi and I just love it! I have been on the aunt wagon for 18 years now. Probably the reason why I was so confident that being a mom would be a breeze. I realize now that it’s not. Some days we win and all is well. But some days we lose and we just want the earth to open up and swallow us whole. It takes courage to realize that it’s okay to feel that way, and also having those feelings does not make you a bad mom.

I was only 10 years old when I first learnt how to change a nappy. Then, there were no disposables. One had to wash them (with a green bar soap) with every change to minimize the risk of running out of clean ones in the middle of the night. You all know how messy it can get so you can imagine how grateful I am for the disposable nappy. There was the formula feeding as well. If you follow the instructions, it’s pretty straightforward – you can’t mess it up. Besides, I could read then, so there was no real problem. The
problem came when I started doing fractions in school and got excited by the whole concept of being able to count in quarters and halves, not just whole numbers anymore. For 100 ml of previously boiled water, you need 4 scoops of formula. Basically, that’s 1 scoop per 25 ml of water. One fateful day, I prepared 180 ml bottles with seven-and-a-half scoops of formula. I was too young then to know that there is no such thing as ‘half a scoop’. Remember, I had just learnt fractions, so the math worked out perfectly in my head.
It took having the poor child struggle with bowel movements to realize that the mix was too rich. Imagine a whole day of rich milk. My mom came onto me like a ton of bricks and I have not tried to be smart with bottle preparation since then. I just follow the instructions. Word-for-word.

That formula incident is the reason why I’m so reluctant to feed my baby formula. I have trust issues. If it were up to me, I would breastfeed until she is ready to go to pre-school. Four months of maternity leave is not enough. I am going to have to stop breastfeeding soon. I could express at work, but for her own health and safety it’s best that I don’t. The type of work I do does not allow for it. But I should really count my blessings because I know some of you had to leave your one week or month-old baby to go back to work or school not because you wanted to, but had to. Making that decision was not easy but you did what you had to do and I commend you for your courage and strength. We definitely do not give you enough credit for the kind of sacrifices you find yourselves making.

There are days when I feel like I am failing as a mom and I can’t help but cry. I have to consciously remind myself that it’s just a bad day, not a bad life. The truth is, if we were all too perfect and never messed up a thing, we would not learn. And when you’re not learning, you’re not growing. We all need to grow. Your child needs to go through the good and the bad in order to grow and become a well-informed, responsible adult. You were a different person before you became a mother and so you also have to go through your own share of pain to grow and know what motherhood is all about. Everyday, you are a step closer to being a better mom. Don’t worry
too much, you’re doing great. Your greatest reward is seeing your baby smile, everything else is superficial. Motherhood is a journey, not a destination. A marathon, not a sprint.

P.S.: Pray for your children. Pray for yourself as well.