It does not matter how you guys met, or how you broke up. It may have been a one-night-stand or you were married for years and are now divorced. For as long as you guys share a child (children), you are bonded together for life! Let that sink in.
As you would imagine, this was (and still is) a very hard pill for me to swallow. “We are not together anymore, so I do not owe him anything”. That might be true but it does not change the fact that my child is his child too. So he is entitled to the very same parenting rights and privileges that I am enjoying. Being in denial is detrimental to our co-parenting relationship and the results of this will be evident through our child’s well being. So I consciously make the decision to be civil with him, even if it means losing some battles. Competition cannot exist when you are co-parenting.
There are days when I want to write him off completely. I mean, this is the same guy that dropped me off at the hospital and left me all alone a few hours before our daughter’s arrival because he had a race to go to. That does not even top the list of messed up things he has done. One time he went on a date with his girlfriend and wore the watch I got for him for his birthday. I am laughing now when I think about it all but believe me when I say it was not funny then. Chest pains were my daily bread and he was serving them with a smile on his face. It’s too easy for me to assume that he was being petty and was trying really hard to spite me, but it’s possible that he may have been oblivious to the emotional storm he was stirring within me. It happens – I have been found guilty of this a number of times. That, however, does not condone any trashy behavior (which needs to be called out – always).
If I am going to teach my daughter how to love and respect herself, I need to learn how to love and respect myself first. With the same energy, I cannot expect her to respect her father while I sit here doing a stellar job trash-talking him. A lot of things will have to change – the first being how we address and treat each other. Surely there must be a healthy way for baby daddy and I to raise our daughter without making a romantic relationship a prerequisite. If for you this means spending Saturday evening with your child creating a Father’s Day card for baby daddy, then great! Do you boo – the universe will thank you for it. We have to change the narrative and start making healthy relationships with baby daddies fashionable. Ditch the bitter baby mama stereotype altogether. You will often find that the drama is counterproductive and really unnecessary. Choosing not to fight with him all the time keeps my cup of inner peace full.
After a week of no contact, I decided to check on him via text. He did not waste time in admitting that he was having a hard time coping with the lockdown restrictions. He’s missing his daughter. Which, I can imagine, must be really hard for him. I try to send photos and videos regularly but this does not satisfy the desire to hold her in his arms – see her smile in person. This makes me realize just how fortunate we are as mothers. I don’t think I would cope if I was given his end of the stick. I respect and appreciate him for wanting to be present in his daughter’s life.
