I’m not even sure if I should write about this. But it’s something that I would like to come back to. Something to refer to later in life should I find myself in a similar situation again. I noticed that people, women in particular, hardly talk about the challenges single baby mamas face. It’s way deeper than the struggle to make ends meet for your little one alone. Everything I’m going through in my life feels so brand new. Unfamiliar. I keep getting lost whenever I find myself. It’s like going through a maze on a foggy day.

For the first time in my life, I’m working extremely hard for my peace. People around me seem to know what is happening in my life except me. It’s weird. I have tried by all means to keep my relationships private but ever since I fell pregnant, quite a lot of people have something to say to someone about my life. My business is just not my business anymore. This makes it extremely hard to take my L’s in private. Before I fell pregnant, I wouldn’t have people asking me who I was seeing. Only those very close to me would know because I would volunteer that information to them. Then I fell pregnant and now, suddenly, people feel entitled to ask me who the
father is. Maybe I’m just taking this the wrong way because things didn’t turn out how I would have liked for them to with baby daddy, but I can’t help but feel bothered by this.

Most people did not get the opportunity to see what life with him was like prior to our fallout. The cohabitation. The road trips. The Sundays at the car wash or the park. The date nights every Wednesday. And the Lamb Curry Thursdays at the club. The “my car is going in for service/repairs so I’m driving yours to work” today. Or the “drop me off at home, I need to feed my dad’s chickens.” I never talked or posted about it, so surely it did not happen. I found my way to deal with claims that we were never together. That I’m ‘forcing’ a relationship with a pregnancy. Through all that drama, I somehow gathered the strength to resist the temptation to go on a smear campaign. It’s his reputation, not mine so I shouldn’t be the one to drag it through the mud. I thought I was making him “look good” in front of his friends and colleagues. Protecting his image and not exposing the toxic behavior because at the end of the day, he’s still my baby’s father. But it turns out, that is just me being obsessed with the idea of being in a relationship with him.

I never thought I’d see the day where my politeness and humility would be used against me. Where I would be punished for falling in love and trusting another man with my heart. The day where expressing my frustrations with him over raising our baby via text would be shown to other people as ‘proof’ that I’m crazy and obsessed. Imagine going about your day and having people randomly coming to you to ask you if you’re okay. “Yes, I’m well. Thank you.” But they would always give me a funny look whenever I gave that response. And silly me never gets tempted to ask why they want to know if I’m okay. They always give me that “you have no idea of all the things I’ve heard about you” look. That look is the pits! Because as much as I’m tempted to ask you what’s on your mind, I won’t. I don’t gossip. Not even about myself. It’s not in my nature to engage in malicious conversations. If you want to say something, say it with your chest. Don’t suggest it. Or encourage me to say it on your behalf.

It took one very brave soul to come to me personally and ask me why I was making him choose between me and baby daddy. “Picking a side is so hard”, he said. I said “Hold up! Pick a side? Why?”. Remember, I’m not actually venting to anyone except my sisters, mom and two close friends about my challenges with baby daddy. I even let go of the friends we shared to avoid a possible conflict of interest. So I didn’t understand what this guy meant when he said he’s tired of picking sides. Clearly he knows something that I’m not aware of. Eventually, it came to light that a smear campaign has been launched against me. I’m not going to deny anything I’ve said. I
do get frustrated and angry. It does not make it okay, I know. But now, knowing what I know, I genuinely want to do better. For myself and my baby girl. When it comes to baby daddy, I can’t share anything with anyone anymore. Including him. So I want this to be the last time I ever mention him anywhere. Including this blog. So if I slip up, please be kind enough to send someone to pinch me. The baby daddy chapter has been officially closed. Thank you. Next.

Photo by Ylanite Koppens from Pexels