I struggled for quite a while with commitment issues since Steve. For the longest time, I lacked the emotional strength necessary to invest in a relationship. I had the occasional fling but always made sure to break things off before they got too serious. As you can imagine, this was detrimental to my growth. My academics and mental health took a big knock.

My relationship with Peter made me believe that I had an appetite for foreign men (who also happened to be intellectuals) that needed to be satisfied. I met a Hasani, a Zambian guy who was studying towards a PhD in civil engineering. Things were great but the guy just wouldn’t stop talking about his ex. It was clear that they had unresolved issues and I was not trying to stick around until they resolved them, so we ended it. I quickly moved on to Femi. A Nigerian guy who was not much of an intellectual but was street smart. I loved how he made and executed his plans. The man was always very clear about what he wanted and always made a point of getting it. He owned a clothing store but I could not shake the feeling that he was involved in other shady dealings. Things ended when he tried to turn me into a “blessee”. I was not cut out for that lifestyle.

Relations with my foreign brothers were not working, so I decided to give my local brothers another chance. It was a mess. At some point, I found myself dating married men – my biggest (and probably, only) regret. I knew I hit an all-time low when this happened. In my defense, the men always lied about the existence of a wife in order to get what they wanted. I do not find pleasure in making another woman’s life miserable because of a man. That’s too low. From the deepest part of my heart, I sincerely apologize to all these women.
I couldn’t stand the trashy behaviour of my fellow African brothers, so I decided to ditch my race altogether. I met Lodewyk, a Dutchman with jungle fever. Oh man, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Like me, he was a lover of life. If it were not for him, I wouldn’t have had the courage to turn up at Aandklas and Springbok. Lodewyk and I got along on a lot of things, except the part where he refused to sleep with a blanket at night. In summer, that’s fine but in the middle of winter? No guys. We broke up – mainly due to our cultural differences, but definitely because I did not want to die from hypothermia.

My life took a 360 degree turn when I met Emmanuel. A Namibian guy who was in Pretoria on a workshop for a days. Things started off shaky when he assumed I was a prostitute. Completely understandable, I mean, we met at a club and the man was looking for a good time. I could’ve played along with this idea just to secure myself a few thousand rands . He was only around for a few days anyway, so why not?
Something told me that I could not do that with this guy. He had a presence. An intense aura. Of course he is an intellectual. What was the universe trying to do to me with this guy? For the few days that he was in Pretoria, I ditched my very comfortable flat to stay with him in a hotel. I was not thinking very much then, I just wanted more of this guy. I was a cup of greatness that was running empty and needed to be filled – he filled me up to the brim and made sure I never ran empty.

Our connection was organic. That’s why I didn’t hesitate when he sent me money and commanded me to get a passport. I was 22 years old when I got on a plane for the first time. This plane was taking me to Windhoek, Namibia. All I had was a name and an address – no relatives or friends to get to on the other side. I was working on faith. Faith that this man would be waiting for me on the other side when I arrived, and faith that he would ensure that I make it back to South Africa in time for class. All I have to do now, today, to prove to you as the reader that the man was faithful to his promises, is to open my passport for you. In this man, I saw my father. A man who loved me dearly, unconditionally and was invested in working to see me grow. This is the kind of man who reserves the right to say “I built you!”. I was a complete wreck when he came into my life. He drilled self-love, leadership, respect, the need to work hard, integrity, confidence and many other lessons and values into my head. The list is quite long to exhaust here.

I have a powerful personality (some would say I am “woke”). I tend to dominate in relationships because men, who are not like minded or not as strong, are intimidated and don’t know what to do with women like me. Somehow, Emmanuel brought out the submissive woman in me. That’s the power of a God-fearing man. He naturally commanded respect. He didn’t force it. I wanted to obey him because I knew his ability to lead was not shaky. Because he was investing in me, I became intentional about investing in him. I had to quickly assume the role of a great woman that stood behind her man, nurturing his greatness. Our journey together was very clear – to feed each other’s greatness and help each other grow. Today, he’s an executive to two of Namibia’s biggest organizations. And I am a junior engineer working for South Africa’s biggest ferroalloys company, and I also happen to be a writer. Even today, we randomly send texts to thank each other for tapping into each other’s greatness.

I am indebted to him for teaching me what it means to be a powerful woman. Becoming Mrs M. meant more than just acquiring a last name. It came with changing citizenship and becoming a step mom, both of which I was not quite ready for when the opportunity presented itself. I am still searching for ‘the one’. But I’m proud to announce that my search is a bit more intentional and wholesome now than it was before Emmanuel. I may not find him. Perhaps he does not exist but that will not deter me from living and loving fully.