He asked me what I wanted in a relationship and I simply did not have an answer for him. Almost two years of being in a relationship with this guy and I still do not know what I wanted from this relationship. How is this even possible? I mean, at this stage I really should have everything figured out, right? I have the job, I have a car, I’m a mother. I am pretty secure at this stage. All I’m missing is a husband. Even that should be covered too because here’s this guy asking me what I want from this relationship and the answer should be straightforward. I want marriage (not a wedding – more on this a bit later). But somehow, I could not bring myself to say it. Fear started creeping in at the realization that it may not be something that I need. Well, not now at least.
Before I dive in, let me take some time to apologize for going AWOL on you guys. It’s been a lit couple of months. We are living in trying times. Nothing is certain. We just push with each day that comes. We took a lot of L’s. We celebrated a few W’s as well. It’s a very weird phase of my life. There are times when I am not sure whether I am coming or going. I’m just grateful to be alive man. I hope you’re hanging in there as well. It’s hard I know but the least we can all do is try.
Okay, now let’s get back to my dilemma. Growing up, I thought my progression stages were set in stone. I knew I had to finish school, get a good job, marry a handsome man, live in a posh villa somewhere in the Western Cape and then have about six beautiful babies (don’t ask me how I got to that number). I never really thought about what would happen if this order got jumbled up. What’s worse is that I used to be so convinced that I needed to have a timeline for each of these things. For example, I was supposed to obtain my degree and start working at age 22, meet bae in my final year of study so that by the time I’m 23, he would go down on one knee and pop the question (laugh with me). At age 24, we would finally move into our fabulous villa. Then finally, at 25, I start popping babies. Pretty straightforward, right? Wrong. What my naïve and young self did not realize is that life happens, and you need to make room for it to happen.
Firstly, I did not even obtain my degree on record time. By the time I graduated, I had already gone through a very embarrassing number of boyfriends. Okay, I got the job. And just when my life was about to get lit..Boom! Precious cargo came along. All of this in a space of three years. Within all that chaos, there’s pressure to get married because hey, I’m a mom now and needed to do mom things and be someone’s wife to complete this role. You can already imagine what’s happening to my mental health amid all this. I’m even putting pressure on bae to send that letter to my parents asking for my hand in marriage. He says he just needs to get a few things together and I understand. We wait. In this waiting period, I realize I am getting more and more frustrated. Now I’m not sure if I’m frustrated with him or with myself. Questions I wouldn’t have thought of start making rounds in my head. “Why do I want to get married?”, “Am I even ready to get married?”, “Is he the one?”
One day, I got this chilling feeling that I might not know what I want yet and that I needed to set some time aside figuring that out. It dawned on me that I may have not dedicated enough time to get to know myself before trying to get to know my significant other. What about love? Do I really love myself well enough to be able to give that same amount of love my SO requires? What if I’m putting pressure on this guy to marry me only to end up making his life miserable? Is that really what I want?
As I dug even deeper, I realized that I have not really spent enough time being single since I broke up with my first (real) boyfriend in 2015. I’ve been hopping from one relationship to the next with very little time to breathe. I lost and found myself so many times, but I have not afforded myself ample time to really reflect on my journey. What about my purpose? Did I know what that was? And was I fulfilling it? What is sad about all of this is realizing all the pain, heartache, and time I could have spared had I asked these questions sooner. But I’m not beating myself up about it because this right here is what growing up is all about. Growth. Progression. It’s not perfect nor is it comfortable, but that’s okay because I gave up on perfection a long time ago. So, where to from here? Well, nowhere…except to go figure out what it is I truly want. And to just spend some time getting to know myself. There’s a truckload of things to do, places to go and moments to experience before making the commitment to merge my world with someone else’s – forever. What is funny is me discovering just how complex I am. Honestly, I am a hot mess. No really, I don’t think I would date myself as I am in this stage of my life. Mad props to bae for pulling through and just being so awesome. I appreciate you.
(P.S. I’m on some weird “21 Days to Get Mad Abs Challenge”. Today marks Day 6, No 6-pack in sight but my core is burning…I think it’s on the way, LOL. Will give an update soon.)
Photo by Terje Sollie from Pexels.
