For days now, I have been feeling heavy. Not only have I been putting on weight physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. I’m exhausted. I need to detox, eat well, meditate and exercise my body, mind and spirit. I need a major glow up and the only thing stopping me from getting it is myself. I’m self-sabotaging, stuffing myself with junk and I need to stop. Okay, don’t panic. I’m not depressed, I’m just out of sync with the universe. I’m not praying enough. I’m not eating right. I’m not drinking enough water. I’m not running or dancing. I’m not reading books. I’m just existing. And that’s proving to be a little bit dangerous. I need to come out of that slump. And I will…eventually.

Let’s talk about some of the reasons why I’m out of sync. First and foremost, I’m a perfectionist. Unless I can guarantee my ability to do something perfectly, I won’t commit to doing it. That feeds a lot to my procrastination. And a lot of my disappointments. By the way, disappointment is a feeling, with the right mindset, it can go away. This perfectionism is not getting me anywhere, so I need to let go of it as in yesterday. A close friend said, “it is our imperfections that make us perfect” and I felt that.

Secondly, I’m stressed about a lot of things. I am carrying the world’s problems on my shoulders. Why? I have absolutely no idea. Maybe because I care a bit too much? I’m stressed about Covid-19, about the racism in the world and the gender-based violence in our country. It’s all I read and hear about, of course I’m going to be stressed. Okay, acknowledging all these issues is acceptable. But can I really afford to stress about them? Because I hear about them everywhere (TV, radio, social media etc.), all these issues have easily become a lot of noise. I don’t want to be ignorant and turn a blind eye to them, but sometimes, I have to accept that there’s only so much that I can do to solve them. Sometimes, just praying and not doing anything physically can also be a solution to some problems.

Oh, and I have also been deep in my feels about my own life. I’m constantly wondering if I’m doing enough to live the life that I was meant to live. If I’m loving enough. I didn’t realize that I was angry about a lot of things until I admitted it to myself. I’m angry that my life didn’t quite go as planned. For the longest time, this is how I used to believe that my life should be ordered: Finish school ➡️ Get a good job ➡️ Settle down (get married) ➡️ Have kids. I see now that part of the reason why I feel off-balance is that I feel the order of my life has been messed up. So what I’ve actually been doing is obsessing over trying to fix this order (…and that involves fighting with baby daddy because low-key, I wanted him to marry me – don’t judge me). My frustrations are not necessarily with him. It’s the order of my life! (Yup, I’m that much of a perfectionist) And I realize now that if I don’t work on myself, I might end up butchering beautiful relationships that come my way.

I know it’s a cliche but basically, I need to live like tomorrow is not promised (without being reckless), love whoever comes my way freely and wholeheartedly (again, I shouldn’t be too reckless here), and just be grateful for the gift and beauty of life.

Photo by Tina Nord from Pexels.