Hello once again. It has been a serious minute. I hope you guys are okay, it really has been rough with the pandemic and the after effects of it. Trying to navigate back to normal life has been so surreal. It makes you realize just how relative “normal” is. I do feel I have to apologize for disappearing on you. I had to do it. For myself. And for me to be able to come back refreshed and in a good space to deliver this content. You should know now that I will have these periods where I disappear to “find myself”. But rest assured, God-willing, I definitely will come back. It feels good to be back. I am going to try to keep this post short and sweet. If I had to give you the full blow-by-blow details of what I have been up to, I swear this post would automatically turn it into a book. But because I love you guys so much, I’m going to spare your eyes and deliver the details in chewable chunks as the days and weeks go by. Alright, let’s dive in.

Let’s talk about the inner child. Who or What is the inner child? Merriam-Webster defines the inner child as the childlike usually hidden part of a person’s personality that is characterized by playfulness, spontaneity, and creativity usually accompanied by anger, hurt, and fear attributable to childhood experiences. Phew! That’s a mouthful. To break it down into simpler terms, I believe the inner child is that younger version of you that resides in your brain (or consciousness) and regularly prompts you to “go back to the basics” and reminds you to be playful and bring out your creative side. Depending on how your early childhood experiences were like, your inner child may carry a dark side which some of us may struggle to embrace and end up repressing. Most of our struggles to express ourselves and truly live our best lives today can be linked back to the inner child that has been muted.

Okay, so this is the point where I issue a disclaimer. I am not a therapist . I just pour whatever comes from within. It is all part of my healing process . And I noticed it has the potential to prompt others to seek healing for themselves, which I truly believe is beautiful and awesome. I am just reminding you to take everything I share here with a pinch of salt (or sugar, depending on whatever it is you prefer).

I am going to share my experience with meeting my inner child. The first time I encountered her, I was having one of my self-care days. This one in particular was the bubble bath, candles and glass of wine combo. I was listening to one of Indi’s episodes from her A Wave Goddess podcast. My  sister shared the link and I was like “Ah well, I have the time so why not?” I should mention that this self-care appointment was sparked by an argument I had with my boyfriend earlier which somehow triggered painful memories from my past. So me receiving that link from my sister really felt like a divine appointment. The topic on this episode was the Inner Child Dynamics. It was an introduction to the inner child and a discussion on the basics of navigating her/him. I should give credit to Indi. She speaks so beautifully. Her gentle voice leaves you no choice but to surrender and I just love her. As I sat there listening to her dissect the topic, I started picturing myself as a toddler, which is really an image I had repressed for as long as I can remember. Then I discovered that to deal (or not deal) with the trauma I experienced as a child, my brain somehow learnt how to ‘delete’ these images. You can imagine the “Oh Snap!” moments I have been having after realizing that my brain has been archiving these memories this whole time. Nothing really gets deleted. But as some form of coping mechanism after having suffered trauma, we learn to kind of blot out those images in hopes to not relive that past trauma.

Reflecting back on my childhood, I see now that my inner child really is a simple girl who really loved to dance and journal in her school diary. I would say that she was creative. She loved to draw, paint, write. She expressed herself through music and was very confident. At some point, she learnt how to express her creative side through speaking. This ability to speak freed her. Speaking from her heart allowed her to express her emotions openly. Whether it was joy or anger she felt, she spoke about it (or wrote it in her journal) and it liberated her. Then something traumatic happened and she just stopped. Well, not completely stopped. But she was just not as open to share anymore. A girl that was confident suddenly had a lot of fear in her. The trust issues only got worse when she started to navigate her way through relationships. She just did not feel safe. This really thwarted her ability to build a healthy social life. She taught herself to avoid feeling anger as an emotion out of fear of it (the anger) resulting in pain or discomfort to others. Little did she know that this behaviour would later lead to trauma bonding.

As Indi unpacked all the ways that I’ve been repressing my inner child,  I could not help but to burst out into tears. There she was. My inner child finally coming to greet me after years of abandonment. It was the realization that I don’t dance, write or speak as much anymore which really shook me the most. I was just cruising by and literally just “faking it to make it.” And I must admit, it was not a sustainable way of living. Low-key, I believe they were tears of joy as I felt an intense level of peace come over me. In that moment, I hugged myself. And it genuinely felt like I was hugging the toddler and teen versions of myself. I just knew that this was the beginning of a journey to healing my inner child. To re-parent her in a way. I knew it’s something I needed to do, more especially with me being a mom now. It truly is an opportunity to love myself in a way that I could have never imagined. To fill up my jug and be in a better position to pour into those closest to me. Rebirth. And I’m so grateful for it. I want to carry on but I would like to leave it here for now. I am hoping this piece will encourage you to setup an appointment with your inner child so you can hear me better when I mention her in the next couple of weeks. I am leaving you with truckloads of love and light until the next post.

Mwahzies! 

Photo by Heiner: https://www.pexels.com/photo/silhouette-of-woman-leaning-on-metal-railings-with-background-of-body-of-water-by-the-shoreline-205000/