“The act of forgiveness takes place in our own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person.” ~ Louise Hay
“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” ~ Robert Muller
I felt the need to open this post with the above quotes on forgiveness to help remind me that the intention of this post is not to rant on about my failures or about how life has been unfair. Rather, this will serve as a very important letter to myself (and to you) about striving for healing and peace in life. When I started this blog, I was on a journey to discovering my identity as a mother. I still am. Everyday, I discover something new about myself.
Right in the beginning, I mentioned that I was seeing someone. He came into my life when I was about six months pregnant. The chapter of my life with him in it is a complicated one but was very necessary. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would not have agreed to get involved with him but the truth is he came at a time when I was most vulnerable. My life was about to change forever. I was about to become a mom and I was convinced that my life as I knew it was coming to an end. I realize now that I mistook my need for validation as a need for love. I cut my healing time too short. Some people thought I was using him to fill up the gaps left by baby daddy. Perhaps I was, I’m not sure. The truth is that I ended up falling in love with him anyway.
I don’t know what his agenda was but him choosing to be with me despite all the drama brought back hope for a better future and revived my belief that unconditional love still exists. In the process, I learned how to forgive myself. He would take time off work to drive me to my prenatal appointments. I remember that time when I experienced complications and was believed to be miscarrying – I couldn’t even get a hold of my doctor. He called every single doctor he knows (including a dentist and an ENT specialist) trying to get a hold of someone to assist. He ended up driving me to the hospital that night. After showing all that courage and dedication, it was impossible to not fall in love with this guy.
But love alone is never enough. That’s always been a very hard pill for me to swallow. People change. My biggest change was that I became a mother. Here’s this baby who is suddenly taking up all my time and attention. How do I love this new person without neglecting my partner? Even though he tried really hard to convince himself that his love for me was enough, he would soon learn that competing with another man’s child for my love is a completely different struggle. One he was not prepared for. Yes, in hindsight, I realize that we did not prepare ourselves enough for this reality. But how does one prepare? He does not have a child of his own
and I’m only a new mom. Dololo experience. I could have done a better job at reassuring him that I love him. Perhaps he could’ve tried a little harder to convince himself that the presence of a child would not suddenly prompt baby daddy into running back to my bosom. But it turns out that it wouldn’t have been his first time seeing the one he loves run back to the father of her child. So to protect himself from experiencing a repeat of this, he pushed me away. I was also not in a position to fight for our love because I’ve been
reprogrammed to love and protect my child first before anything and anyone else – a concept that is still fresh from the box for me.
I wanted to make this post “Finding The One – Part Four” but after some deep thought I realize now that it doesn’t belong there. This one is different and it needs to be treated accordingly. I had an internal fight with myself on whether I should even write it but here we are. It’s been over a month since the break-up and about two weeks since my last argument with baby daddy, and I’ve never been clearer about wanting to start over on a clean slate as a single mother. I realize now that there’s absolutely no shame in starting over. I need to do it. For myself and for my daughter. I’m now on Day 14 of my “31 Days of Proverbs” challenge and my outlook on life has changed drastically. I have newly found wisdom. Those who know me know that I’m one person who likes to plan every single detail of my life. The chain of expected events was pretty straightforward: Finish school – Secure the bag – Find the love of my life – Get married – Have kids.
I had it, then the order got messed up and I didn’t know how to act. I didn’t know then that it was normal for me to lose myself so I could find myself. I didn’t give myself enough time to heal: my relationship with my recent love suffered as a result. I also made life very difficult for baby daddy but in the end, I’m the one who suffered the most. No more!
I forgive myself. I forgive those who have wronged me. I have also accepted apologies I might not receive in this lifetime. I am apologizing to all those I have hurt knowingly and unintentionally. I am starting over and embracing the changes in my life. I have no idea what comes next (we are right in the middle of a world pandemic) and I’m choosing not to worry about that. I will, however, remain intentional about finding healing, building healthier relations and applying wisdom in all my decisions. I am confident that I will not be repeating the same mistakes. But even if I do, it’s okay – I will find myself again and start over.
