My life is changing dramatically since I started blogging. Sharing my experiences with you has been blessing me in so many ways. I am actually healing. I did not realize how heavy this burden was. I feel so much lighter now. I find myself feeling much closer to God. And He is prompting me to keep writing because my stories are healing someone else out there. I’m seeing a lot of people coming out about the challenges they are experiencing and I realize that my problems are not unique which makes it necessary to keep talking about them so we can all heal. When I wrote “Finding The One”, I gave you a peek into my dating experiences over the years. There’s a story that I omitted. I’ve been concealing it for years because it brought a lot of shame and pain in my life. It’s only now that I realize that not opening up about it has contributed significantly to my relationship troubles. I’ve been renewing my relationship with God because I needed Him to heal me. And I’m well on my way to healing. But God is telling me that to heal fully, I’ll have to open up and share that story. Trust me when I say that this is one story I was prepared to go to the grave with until someone told me that God cannot heal what we conceal from Him. I want to heal, so here is my story.

The year was 2011. I was travelling back from Polokwane by taxi. I went to Polokwane so my sister could help me shop for a matric farewell dance dress. I was going to the dance as the incoming head girl at my school. The incoming head boy and I were invited to hand out the awards to the 2011 matriculants so I needed to buy the dress. I had a crush then. An older guy (I think he was 21 at the time). If you recall, I also had a boyfriend. Anyway, on my way home from Polokwane, I tell my crush about the dress and he sounds just as excited as I was about it. So excited, he invited me to his place to show it to him. His place was some 30 km away from my
home and I mention to him that I won’t have enough money to get home but he assured me that he would cover the fare so I should not worry. Remember, he’s older so I was inclined to trusting him. Needless to say that this was a major mistake on my part which would ruin most of my life.

I arrived at his place. He prepared food for me and we chilled and talked. I really did enjoy his company. Then things got kind of weird when he asked me to show him the dress. I took it out of the bag so he could see it but this was not enough. He insisted that I put it on to see if it really suits me. I told him I would put it on but he had to leave the room so I could change in private, which he did. I called him back and I could see from his reaction that he approved and really liked it. He approached me and started kissing me. This was my crush so yes, I was dying to taste his lips. But I was not prepared for what happened next. As we were kissing, he got an erection
and complained about the pain he was in because of it. He asked me to help relieve the pain. This was unfamiliar territory to me, so I asked how he expected me to do that without us actually having sex. He told me to rub it and I did. He then started unzipping my dress, assuring me that he wouldn’t touch anything and that I could leave my bra and panties on. I reminded him that I’m still a virgin so he shouldn’t take chances. Fine, we continued kissing. He then insisted that we sit on the bed as he was tired of standing. Then it happened. I begged him to not do it. To stop. His response “It’s in either way so there’s no turning back now!” and just like that, I gave in. Not only was I feeling defeated physically, I was mentally defeated. Just like that, my innocence was gone. When he was done, I got dressed and left. He didn’t even give me the taxi fare he promised. I don’t even remember how I got home.

I lost a piece of me and I had no idea how to get it back. I felt so ashamed and so disgusted with myself, I couldn’t even run to God – all I wanted to do was hide from Him. Delay my punishment. I didn’t feel worthy to be called His child. Later that day, my boyfriend kept pushing to see me even when I told him I wasn’t feeling well. He suspected that I might have been up to no good when I was in Polokwane – I was away for two days. Something about the way I was behaving set off alarms in him. He could tell that I was no longer his precious virgin. I was in rebel mode so I didn’t even fight him when he slid his hand down my pants. His sudden pause suggested that he had confirmed his suspicions. He asked me if I had been with someone and I denied. I wasn’t ready for a confrontation so I started an argument and left. When I got home I went straight to my room and didn’t speak to anyone. My mom could sense that something was off but I didn’t have the courage to talk to her.

I was only 17. I did not have the courage and maturity that I have now to deal with the situation. For years now this secret has been eating away parts of me. I was 21 years old when I first told some of my sisters about it. By sharing my story, I thought I was well on my way to healing until I shared it with someone I deeply cared about who dismissed it as my way of trying to get attention. I broke again. All my efforts to recover went down the drain. I shut out everyone and fell into deep depression. I failed four courses that year and was at the brink of losing my sponsorship. It was also the same year that Steve and I broke up. It can only be by God’s grace that
I’m alive today to share this story. Mercy rewrote my life.

I mentioned in one of my posts that I have a tendency to dominate in relationships. For years I’ve been jumping in and out of relationships and I didn’t understand why none of my relationships were thriving. There’s a whole bunch of reasons why, but the one that stands out is my need to control. To make up for the power that was taken away from me at 17, I exercise power and control in my relationships. The moment I start to feel weak and vulnerable, I run. I have been running for 9 years. Now that I am a mother, God says I can’t run anymore. My creator has a strange sense of humor because not only did He make me a mother, He made me a mother to a girl. I can’t raise her on a shaky foundation that’s filled with rot, so I have to start over. I am going to become the best mom to her and I’ve got God walking with me on this journey. I feel so free now after writing all of this. Now that I think about it, the whole purpose of me starting this blog was for me to get to this point. Literally had an “Aha!” moment right now and it feels so good.

I didn’t get to this point alone. I have been watching Pastor Michael Todd’s “Relationship Goals” series on YouTube and it is changing my life. Not all of us have the courage (or funds) to see a psychotherapist but that shouldn’t stop us from getting our healing. For me, my healing came through sharing my life story and reviving my relationship with God. I’m hoping that my story will help you realize that you might need healing too. Being where I am now doesn’t guarantee that I will not be facing anymore challenges in my life. I’m still young and have a lot of living to do. Life is not without problems but my attitude towards them is what will make the difference. It’s been a month since I started the blog and I just want to thank you guys for walking with me and supporting me on this journey.