When I am not involved in a romantic relationship, I spend precious amounts of time working on myself. I exercise, eat well, read self-help books, meditate and go out often. I invest in my already existing relationships: I go home to spend time with my parents, call my siblings often and check on my friends. Doing all this puts me in a consistent state of contentment. I even spend less time on social networks as a result.

When I’m in this state, I tend to attract guys who seemingly are in a similar state. They also appear to be secure – they know exactly what it is they want and do whatever is necessary to get it. This makes them exciting. Often, this is just a front. A walking advertisement. They’ve got that “Pick me and you won’t have to worry about a thing!” vibe to them. And my naive self will fall for the act because, hey who doesn’t want a secure and exciting guy?
I’d like to believe that I’m a naturally transparent person. In a relationship, I try hard to be the person I was when you first met me. If not, I push to be better. Okay, okay, I might dabble into my crazy side every now and then but I will always make sure to warn you about this side ahead of time so you don’t get caught off guard.

Almost all the relationships I’ve been in follow a pattern. For example, I would meet a Tshepo (in a grocery store, club, or workshop – doesn’t really matter where). From our first interaction, Tshepo and I will discover that we share common interests – love for food, life, books, music, cars, family etc. Based on this, we naturally start spending (lots of) time together. If we are not already involved in romantic relationships elsewhere, we will dip into one (often without any official acknowledgement of this). Then we’ll start isolating ourselves from everything and everyone we know because we just love spending time together right? Wrong. Pretty soon, one of us will get threatened by the other’s desire to invest in his/her personal growth, or the desire to spend more time socializing with other people. Because all this threatens your identity as a couple, you unknowingly start clipping your partner’s wings. This is how you know you’re clipping your partner’s wings;

1. You discourage them from doing anything that does not involve you.
2. You alienate them from everything and everyone they know.
3. You judge them for developing new interests, always accusing them of changing.
4. You threaten to leave the relationship whenever conflict arises.
5. You try to blackmail them into staying in a relationship that is obviously failing.

There are many other examples that I didn’t mention here. My question is why do we do this? Especially when we know that doing the above doesn’t make any relationship work? Why are we so afraid of giving each other space to grow outside of a relationship? Instead of affording each other the much needed space, we embark on a vicious cycle of self-sabotage. Why? I’d really love to hear your thoughts on this, please don’t be shy to leave a comment.

I’m learning how to loosen the grip. Letting go of the oppression. Diverting this much needed energy into working on myself so I can be a better person and a better partner. I believe by doing this, I will be allowing the magic and sparkle of the relationship to stick around a bit longer. Space is good and much needed in a healthy relationship. Besides, you cannot pour into someone else when you, yourself, are running on fumes.